Why I’m Retiring from the Sneaky Link Games

Listen, we need to have a collective intervention. Grab a glass of wine, or a coffee, or a green juice—whatever your poison is—and sit down, because Tina has an announcement to make.

I’ve officially reached that stage of life where the “low-stakes” dating scene feels like a full-time job that pays in stress and late-night “U up?” texts. I looked at myself in the mirror this morning and realized something vital: I am simply not built for the “sneaky link” lifestyle. I tried. I really did. I thought I could be that girl—the mysterious, detached, “just-see-you-at-midnight” vibe. But turns out, I’m about as mysterious as a Golden Retriever in a kitchen full of bacon.

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The Struggle of Being “Casual” When You’re a Nurturer

For those of you blessed with the ability to keep things casual, I salute you. Teach me your ways. Because for me? I’m a high-maintenance lover with a “provider” complex I didn’t even know I had.

When you’re a “sneaky link,” there are rules. You’re supposed to be low-key. You aren’t supposed to care if they’ve eaten. You definitely aren’t supposed to know their middle name or their childhood trauma. But here I am, three weeks into a “casual” thing, and I’m already planning a three-course meal because I’m worried they aren’t getting enough protein.

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Defining My Love Language: Providing and Spoiling

I don’t want to be hidden. I don’t want to be your 11:00 PM secret. I want to love you, feed you, give you money, and buy you stuff. Is that too much to ask? Apparently, in 2026, wanting to spoil someone is a “red flag” for some people. But honestly? It’s my love language.

• The Food: If I love you, I’m feeding you. I’m talking homemade lasagna, slow-cooked ribs, or at the very least, knowing exactly which DoorDash order makes your soul happy.
• The Spoilage: I’m the person who sees something in a store window and thinks, “Oh, they’d look so cute in that,” and then I buy it. I want to buy you that random gadget you mentioned once three months ago.
• The Intimacy: I want the “good-good.” I want the kind of connection that isn’t just a physical transaction but a full-blown spiritual experience.

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Why I’m a “Full Package” Kind of Person

I think it boils down to the fact that I’m a “Full Package” kind of person. I don’t do things halfway. If I’m in, I’m all in. I want to be the person you call when you’ve had a bad day, not just the person you call when you’re bored.

The “sneaky link” culture feels like living on appetizers. Appetizers are great, sure, but eventually, a girl gets hungry for the main course. I want the steak, the sides, the dessert, and the after-dinner mint. I want the whole damn menu!

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Hanging Up the Jersey

If you’re like me—if you find yourself wanting to pay for the Uber, cook the meal, and give the best back rubs in the tri-state area—don’t apologize for it. The world will try to tell you that being “easygoing” and “casual” is the goal. But there is so much power in being the person who gives a damn. There is something beautiful about being a woman who wants to provide, protect, and pleasure her partner.

So, I’m hanging up my “sneaky link” jersey. It was a short-lived career, and frankly, I was terrible at it. I’m moving back into the “Wife/Partner/Queen” category where I belong.

Who’s with me? Are we done pretending we don’t want to spoil our people? Let’s talk about it in the comments.