Welcome back to Stories from Tina.
Grab your coffee—or maybe something stronger, depending on what kind of day the universe has thrown at you—because we need to have a little “State of the Union” chat about human interaction.
Specifically, we need to talk about choices.
Life is full of them, right? Paper or plastic? Wine or tequila? To text him back or to maintain your dignity? (We all know the answer to that last one is dignity, even if we don’t always listen to it at 11:30 PM on a Saturday). But the most important choice people seem to fumble these days—and I mean fumble like they’re trying to catch a greased watermelon—is deciding which version of me they want to unlock.
Because here’s the thing: I am a delight.
I really am. Ask anyone who has made it past the velvet rope of my inner circle. I am the person you want in your corner when the chips are down. I am the “ride or die” who actually knows how to drive the getaway car and has a curated playlist ready for the police chase. I am the warm hug, the hot meal, and the stern “get it together” talk wrapped into one package.
But for some reason, people keep testing the waters to see what happens if they swim against the current. They mistake kindness for weakness and silence for acceptance. They think because I’m nice, I won’t bite. But honey, I have teeth.
So, let me break it down for the general public, a little Public Service Announcement from yours truly: I am a person you want as a friend, not an enemy. But the choice is entirely yours.
Let’s start with the positives, shall we? Because contrary to popular belief, I prefer peace. I prefer laughter. I prefer sending memes at 2 AM that make absolutely no sense to anyone but us. I want brunch, not battles.
When you are on Team Tina, you get the premium package. There are no subscription fees, just a strict requirement for loyalty, a sense of humor, and a tolerance for my lack of filter.
Here is what you get with your membership:
1. I Will Hype You Up Like I’m Being Paid For It.
If you look good, I’m going to tell you. If you accomplish something small, like finally folding that mountain of laundry that’s been sitting on “the chair” for a week, or not texting your toxic ex when you were lonely, I am throwing a ticker-tape parade in our group chat. I am your biggest cheerleader. I want to see you win. I don’t do jealousy; I do “we’re both queens, fix your crown.” If you shine, I hand you sunglasses; I don’t try to dim the light. I am the type of friend who comments “FIRE” on your selfie before I even check my own notifications.
2. I Keep Receipts (The Good Kind).
This is a double-edged sword, but as a friend, it’s your greatest asset. Did someone say something nasty to you three years ago on a Tuesday? I remember. Did that guy promise to call you and then ghost? I remember his license plate number, his mother’s maiden name, and his deepest fear. I am a vault of information, and I will use my powers for your good. I’m like a walking, talking external hard drive of petty justice, solely reserved for defending my people. You might forget who wronged you because you have a forgiving heart—I don’t. I’ll remember for both of us.
3. The “3 AM” Clause.
You know those friends who are only around for the happy hours and the birthday parties? That’s not me. I’m the “my tire blew out on the freeway” friend. I’m the “I just found out he’s cheating” friend. If you call me in the middle of the night crying, I’m not hitting “ignore.” I’m waking up, putting on my glasses, and asking, “Who do we need to fight?” or “Do you need ice cream or an alibi?” I show up. That’s the rule.
4. The “No Judgment” Zone.
We all have those moments. Maybe you ate a whole cake. Maybe you dated a guy who wears a fedora unironically. Maybe you spent your rent money on shoes. If you’re my friend, you can tell me the ugly stuff. I might laugh at you for a second (because I’m human), but I will never judge you. My house is a safe space for your bad decisions—as long as we learn from them eventually.
5. I Will Tell You the Truth (Even When It Sucks).
A real friend doesn’t let you walk out of the house looking like a hot mess express unless that is the specific vibe we are intentionally going for. If he’s lying to you, I’ll tell you. If that dress does not do what you think it’s doing, I’ll tell you. If you are being the drama queen and need to sit down, I will tell you that too. I deliver the truth with love, humor, and usually a suggestion for how to fix it. I’m not mean; I’m efficient.
6. The Social Media Bodyguard.
If we are friends, your internet battles are my internet battles. If a troll comes for you in the comments section, they better be prepared for me to drop a 500-word essay on why they are wrong, complete with citations and embarrassing counter-points. I will like every post, watch every story, and boost your algorithm like it’s my day job.
7. The “Get Out of Jail Free” Card (Socially).
Stuck in a conversation with someone boring at a party? Need an excuse to leave a bad date? Send me the signal (usually the eye-roll emoji). I will call you with a fake emergency so convincing that I almost believe it. “Oh my god, your cat learned to drive and stole the car? You have to leave NOW!” I got you.
8. The Breakup Bootcamp Instructor.
When your heart gets broken, I clock in. I arrive with the wine, the chocolate, and the waterproof mascara. I will listen to you analyze the same text message for four hours. And when you’re ready, I will be the one to help you draft the “I’m doing great” post that makes him regret being born.
9. The “What’s Mine is Yours” (Within Reason).
Need a dress for an event? Raid the closet. Need my Hulu password? Text me. Need to borrow my confidence because yours is running low? Take it. I am generous with my resources because I know you’d do the same for me. (Just don’t touch my leftovers in the fridge. That’s where I draw the line).
10. The Unspoken Telepathy.
We don’t even need to talk to communicate. We can be in a crowded room, hear someone say something stupid, lock eyes for 0.5 seconds, and have an entire conversation without opening our mouths. That level of connection? Priceless.
Before we get to the scary part, let’s talk about the gray area. This is where people mess up. They think because I’m nice, I’m naive. They think because I’m patient, I’m a doormat.
Let me be clear: My table is open to everyone, but the second you bring disrespect as a side dish, you are excused.
I don’t play games. I’m too old, too tired, and too busy for “will they/won’t they” friendship dynamics.
• If you’re inconsistent, you’re out.
• If you play both sides, you’re out.
• If you smile in my face and talk about me the second I walk to the bathroom? Oh honey, you are so out.
I have a very low tolerance for “energy vampires”—you know, the people who only call when they need something but are mysteriously busy when you need a favor? Yeah, we don’t do that here. Reciprocity is not just a big word; it’s a requirement.
Now, let’s look at the other side of the coin. The dark side. The side that I honestly don’t like visiting because it takes too much energy, but I will pitch a tent, build a fire, and camp out there with marshmallows if I have to.
Why would anyone choose to be my enemy? It genuinely confuses me. It’s like looking at a perfectly paved road and deciding, “No, I think I’ll drive into that ditch full of alligators instead.”
If you decide to cross the line—and I’m not talking about a simple misunderstanding, I’m talking about betrayal, disrespect, or coming for the people I love—you don’t get the loud, screaming Tina. You get something much worse.
1. The Silence.
People think anger is loud. They think if I’m mad, I’m going to be yelling in the driveway. Rookie mistake. The loudest thing I do is stop talking. If I’m yelling, we can fix it; it means I still care enough to argue. If I’m quiet? Start praying. I don’t need to slash tires (I’m an adult, and have you seen the price of rubber lately?). I just withdraw my energy. And trust me, you will feel the temperature drop. It’s a very specific kind of chill that says, “You no longer exist in my world.” You become a ghost to me while you’re still breathing.
2. The Recall.
Remember how I said I keep receipts? When you’re an enemy, those receipts are no longer used for your defense. I’m not saying I’m going to air your dirty laundry on Facebook, because I have class… mostly. But I am saying that I know where the bodies are buried because I helped you dig the hole. I know your secrets. I know what you really said about your boss. I know what actually happened on that “girls’ trip.” Do I want to use this info? No. Will I sit on it like a dragon sitting on gold, just letting you sweat wondering if I’ll ever speak up? Absolutely.
3. The Mirror Effect.
I treat people exactly how they treat me. If you’re sweet, I’m syrup. If you’re cold, I’m ice. If you want to act petty, I have a PhD in Petty from the University of “Don’t Try Me.” I don’t start the drama, but I will absolutely finish it. I will match your energy until you realize you can’t afford the electric bill.
4. The “Bless Your Heart” Energy.
I won’t fight you publicly. I won’t cause a scene at the PTA meeting or the family BBQ. I will just look at you with that specific mix of pity and amusement. I will watch you spin your narrative while I sit back, sip my drink, and let the truth eventually trip you up. Because it always does. The truth has a funny way of coming out, usually right when you think you’ve gotten away with the lie. And I’ll be there, not to help you up, but to give a polite little wave as you fall.
5. Success is the Best Revenge.
While you’re busy trying to tear me down or talk behind my back, I’ll be over here thriving. I’ll be glowing. I’ll be booking the trip, getting the promotion, and laughing with my real friends. Nothing drives a hater crazier than seeing their target happy. My joy is your punishment. And business is booming.
6. The “Who?” Treatment.
You know that Mariah Carey “I don’t know her” energy? That is my default setting for enemies. If someone brings up your name, I will look genuinely confused. I will erase you from the narrative so thoroughly that people will question if we ever even met. You don’t get clout from my name anymore.
7. The Access Revoked.
Being my friend comes with perks—access to my network, my help, my specialized knowledge. When you cross me, all those doors slam shut. Need a recommendation? Nope. Need a favor? Ask someone else. You are now on the “No Fly List” of my life, and there are no appeals.
8. The Weaponized Politeness.
If I have to interact with you in public, I will be so sickeningly sweet that it will make your teeth hurt. I will be so polite, so formal, and so distant that everyone else will think I’m an angel and you’re the one losing your mind. I will kill you with kindness, and I will make sure there are witnesses to my sainthood.
9. The Group Chat Exile.
You might think you’re safe, but slowly, the group chats will go silent. A new chat will form. One without you. You’ll stop getting the inside jokes. You’ll stop getting the invites. You won’t be made a spectacle of; you’ll just simply fade away like a bad trend.
10. The Living Reminder.
The worst part about being my enemy is that deep down, you know what you lost. You know you lost a real one. Every time things go wrong for you and you realize you have no one to call, you’ll remember me. You’ll remember the loyalty you threw away. And that regret? That’s going to sting longer than any mean text I could ever send.
Life is hard enough, isn’t it? We have bills to pay, kids to raise, hearts to mend, and sanity to maintain. Why add “Fighting with Tina” to your to-do list? It seems like really poor time management on your part.
I have a huge heart. I love hard. I forgive easily if the apology is real and the behavior changes. I want everyone to eat, just not at my table if they’re going to poison the food.
So, to the people currently in my corner: I love you, I got you, let’s get tacos.
And to anyone thinking about testing the fence? Just remember: I’m a really, really good friend. Like, the best you’ll ever have. Don’t fumble the bag just because you wanted to play games.
The choice is yours. Choose wisely.
XOXO,
Tina