Okay, family. Gather ’round. We need to have a serious meeting of the minds today. Pull up a chair, grab your tea, your wine, your water—whatever you need to sustain yourself—because I saw something online today that spoke to my spirit on a deep, ancestral level.
I can’t show you the picture right now, but I need you to close your eyes and visualize this with me. Imagine a plain white background. Stark white. Nothing fancy. And in the middle, in basic black text, is a sentence that just goes on and on.
It says: “People just lieeeeeeee and lie and lie and lie and lie and lie and lie and lieeeeeeee.”
I’m talking about “lie” with about eight “e’s” at the end.
When I read that, I didn’t just read it with my eyes. I didn’t just relate to it; I felt it in my marrow. I felt it in my spirit. I felt it in that one nerve that twitches in my left eye whenever I sense nonsense approaching. Because honestly? The accuracy is disrespectful.
We are living in the Golden Age of Cap, folks.
I don’t know when it happened, but somewhere along the line, telling the simple, unvarnished truth became an ancient art form, like churning butter or using a rotary phone. Nobody does it anymore! We are surrounded by professional fabricators, storytellers, and people who just lie for sport. And I am tired. I am exhausted.
Let’s break down the Taxonomy of Liars I’ve encountered just this week, shall we? Because I know I’m not the only one dealing with this circus.
1. The “I’m Five Minutes Away” Liar (The Friendship Edition)
Let’s start with the classic. We all have that one friend (or maybe you are that friend—don’t lie to me, Tina knows!). You text them, “Where you at? Our reservation is in ten minutes,” and they hit you with the, “Just rounding the corner!” or “Pulling up now!”
The Lie: They are in a towel. They are not pulling up. They are pulling their jeans up over their hips in their bathroom, and they haven’t even found their other shoe yet.
The Truth: You will see them in 45 minutes, and they will walk in with an iced coffee they “stopped quickly” to get, acting like time is a social construct they don’t subscribe to.
And don’t get me started on the audio clues.
Them: “Yeah, I’m leaving right now!”
Me: (Hearing the unmistakable sound of Netflix asking ‘Are you still watching?’ in the background).
Me: “…So you’re driving your living room down the highway? Is that what we’re doing today?”
Why lie? Just tell me to order an appetizer because you’re slow! I will eat the mozzarella sticks without you. I promise, it’s not a problem.
2. The “I Don’t Usually Do This” Liar (The Dating Edition)
Oh, the dating scene. A minefield of fiction. If lying was an Olympic sport, the dating pool would be bringing home the Gold, Silver, and Bronze every four years.
You have the “Data Entry” Liars: The guys with the “6-foot tall” profile who walk in at a solid 5’8″. Sir, we have eyes. Unless you are standing in a hole, the math ain’t mathing.
But my favorite is the “I’m not like other people” speech. You know the one. “I hate drama. I’m just looking for peace.”
Translation: “I am the director, producer, and starring actor of the drama. I bring the drama with me like a carry-on bag.”
Whenever someone screams about how much they hate liars and fake people on the first date, I immediately check my pockets, because usually, they are the ones projecting harder than an IMAX theater. If you have to announce that you’re honest, you’re probably about to sell me a bridge in Brooklyn.
And let’s not forget the “Relationship Ghost.”
The Lie: “I really feel a connection, let’s do this again soon.”
The Truth: You will never hear from this man again. He has vanished into the Bermuda Triangle. Just say you weren’t feeling it! My ego can take it; my confusion cannot.
3. The “I Didn’t Do It” Liar (The Tiny Terror Edition)
If you have kids, or have ever met a child, you know this one. This is the innocent, wide-eyed lie.
“Did you eat the last cupcake?”
“No.”
Meanwhile, their entire face is covered in blue frosting. They look like a Smurf. There are crumbs falling out of their pockets. But they will look you dead in the eye with the confidence of a Supreme Court Justice and say, “I don’t know what happened to it, Mommy. Maybe a ghost ate it.”
Honestly? I respect this liar the most. At least they commit to the bit. They stand ten toes down in their delusion, and you almost have to applaud the audacity.
4. The “I’m Fine” Liar (The Mirror Edition)
Okay, I’m calling myself out here. This is the lie we all tell. We’re drowning in work, the laundry pile is judging us, our ex is acting up, the check engine light came on, and we realized we forgot to defrost the chicken.
Someone asks, “Hey Tina, how are you?”
And we smile that tight, customer-service smile and say, “I’m good! Just busy!”
The Lie: I am not good. I am holding on by a thread and a prayer.
The Truth: If I tell you the truth, I might start crying in this Starbucks line, and nobody has time for that. So, we lie to keep the peace. We lie to keep the machinery of society moving because if we all started telling the truth about how tired we are, the world would just stop turning.
But here is the thing about lying that I simply do not understand: The Energy.
Do you know how much energy it takes to maintain a lie? You have to build the lie, paint the lie, landscape the lie, and then pay the property taxes on the lie every single month. You have to remember what you said to who, when you said it, and what outfit you were wearing when you told it. It’s a full-time job! And honestly? In this economy? Who has the time?
I am convinced some people treat lying like it’s a hobby. Like it’s pickleball or knitting. They just wake up in the morning, stretch, yawn, and think, “You know what? Today feels like a great day to fabricate an entire scenario for absolutely no reason.”
And the worst part is the audacity. That’s what that image I saw captured so perfectly with all those extra “e’s” on the end. It’s not just a lie; it’s a lieeeeeeee. It’s a lie with seasoning. It’s a lie with a side of gaslighting.
It’s when you know they’re lying. They know you know they’re lying. And yet, they look you dead in the eye and commit to the bit. They double down! They start adding details!
“No, Tina, I didn’t eat your leftovers. Actually, I saw a raccoon. A very large, intelligent raccoon. It knew how to open the Tupperware. It had thumbs, Tina! It was crazy!”
…Really?
We need to normalize stopping people mid-sentence and just handing them a printout of that quote. Just hold it up like a referee card. Flag on the play. Excessive fabrication. 10-yard penalty.
Because here is the truth (since we are fans of that here): Life is hard enough.
We have bills. We have jobs. We have kids. We have traffic. We do not need the mental gymnastics of trying to decipher your fiction.
Can we just… stop?
Can we normalize saying, “I’m not coming to your party because I want to sit in my pajamas and watch TV”?
Can we normalize saying, “I messed up and I’m sorry,” instead of making up a convoluted excuse involving traffic, a lost phone, and a solar flare?
Can we normalize being real?
I think, deep down, we appreciate the truth even when it hurts, because at least it’s real. The truth respects my intelligence. The lie insults it. And if there is one thing Tina does not have time for in this blessed year, it is being insulted by someone’s discount-bin deception.
So, to whoever made that meme I saw: Thank you. You are seen. You are heard.
And to the liars: Take a nap. You must be exhausted. But know this—when you say you’re “five minutes away,” I’m ordering the fries without you.
How about you guys? What’s the most ridiculous “lieeeeeeee” someone has tried to tell you lately? Drop it in the comments so we can laugh instead of cry.
Stay honest, friends.
– Tina