Okay, ladies, gather ’round. We need to have a little prayer circle, a strategy meeting, and possibly a glass of wine. Because I saw two things today that summed up my entire existence in the dating world, and I know—I just know—y’all are going to feel this in your soul.
We need to talk about the disconnect. You know the one. The disconnect between what men say, what they think they mean, and what we actually hear.
Exhibit A: The Universal Trigger Phrase
Look at this first meme. “Men say ‘don’t start’ and women hear ‘are you ready to rummmmmmbbbbllllllllleeeeeeee’.”
I screamed. I literally screamed. Because has there ever been a phrase in the history of the English language that ignites a fire faster than “Don’t start”?
Let’s break down the anatomy of “Don’t start.”
When a man says “Don’t start,” he thinks he is de-escalating the situation. He thinks he is pouring water on a fire. He thinks he is being the calm, rational one.
But what he is actually doing is pouring gasoline on a grease fire and handing me a match.
“Don’t start” translates directly to: “I am uncomfortable with you holding me accountable for my actions, so I would like you to be quiet now.”
And that? Oh, that is the bell ringing. That is the announcer stepping into the ring. That is me taping up my gloves. Because when you tell a woman who has valid feelings to “not start,” you have just guaranteed that we are not only going to start, we are going to finish. We are going to bring up receipts from 2018. We are going to pull up the screenshots. We are going to reference a conversation we had three Tuesdays ago when it was raining.
It’s not because we love drama. It’s because “don’t start” is dismissive. And if there is one thing Tina doesn’t do, it’s “dismissed.”
Exhibit B: The “Too Much” Allegation
This leads me to the second point, which is usually the aftermath of the “Rumble.”
After you’ve laid out your case, after you’ve explained why you’re upset, and after they’ve realized they can’t win with logic, they hit you with the classic: “You’re just too much,” or “Why is everything so heavy with you?” or “Can’t we just chill?”
And that is when you hit them with this energy right here:
“I’m an experience. Not a phase or a milestone. A full-blown experience.”
Write it down. Tattoo it on your forehead.
I am not a “phase.” I am not the “crazy girlfriend” era you look back on and laugh about with your boys. I am not a “milestone” you use to learn how to communicate better so you can be a good husband to the next girl. I am not a stepping stone for your character development.
I am the destination. I am the event.
Being an “experience” means that I come with intensity. It means I love hard, I fight hard for what I believe in, and I expect the same level of effort in return.
The problem is, a lot of people out here are looking for a “nap,” not an experience. They want something low-maintenance. They want a relationship that feels like a background screensaver—pretty to look at, but doesn’t require any actual interaction.
But me? I’m an IMAX movie in 4D. I’m the rollercoaster that makes you scream. I’m a five-course meal with wine pairings, not a drive-thru burger you eat in your lap while driving.
So, the next time he tells you “don’t start,” go ahead and rumble. Let it out. Because if he can’t handle the rumble, he definitely doesn’t deserve the experience.
You are allowed to take up space. You are allowed to be loud. You are allowed to be “a lot.” The right person will look at all that “experience” and say, “Finally. I was getting bored with the basics.”
Until then? Keep your gloves up, ladies.
— Tina