Why My Inner Villain Has a LinkedIn Profile

Hey guys, it’s Tina. Let’s have a heart-to-heart.

If you saw me at the grocery store today, I was probably that girl over-analyzing which bunch of bananas looked “the least depressed.” I look harmless, right? I’m wearing a cozy sweater. I have a reusable tote bag. I’m the person who says “sorry” to inanimate objects when I accidentally bump into them. I’m naturally patient; I let a lot slide and give people grace, understanding, and the benefit of the doubt way more than I probably should. Most of the time, I’m operating on a steady diet of iced coffee and a philosophy of “it is what it is.”

But I need to issue a formal disclaimer for the general public, my friends, and especially that one guy who took twenty minutes to order a black coffee this morning: Before you decide to beef with me, just know I’m deeply malicious to my core once upset.

I know, I know. It sounds intense. But let’s be real—we all have that “emergency break” on our personality. People often mistake my calm for weakness, my silence for ignorance, and my kindness for permission. That’s where things start going left. It’s not that I’m a mean person—in fact, I think I’m too nice. Being “the nice one” is like being a pressure cooker; I’m constantly absorbing people’s weird moods, passive-aggressive emails, and their inability to use a turn signal. I just smile and nod.

But there is a very specific, invisible line made of glass. When someone steps over it, the “is” is no longer “what it is.” The “is” becomes a calculated, multi-layered strategic response that would make a chess grandmaster weep. The smile doesn’t drop—it just changes. It becomes… symmetrical.

When I say I’m “deeply malicious,” I don’t mean I’m going to do something messy like key your car. That’s amateur hour. True malice is a slow burn. It’s “I will find out your favorite local bakery and buy every single one of your favorite muffins five minutes before you get there” energy. It’s “I will pray for your downfall with such specific detail that the universe has no choice but to listen” energy. I don’t pop off immediately or “crash out.” I get still. I get observant. I get very clear.

A Note to My Future Enemies:

I have the memory of an elephant and the spite of a cat that’s been denied treats. If you upset the core, you aren’t just getting a mean comment. You’re getting a lifetime of me remembering that one thing you’re insecure about and never quite letting you forget it through subtle, polite conversation.

The funniest part is that I actually hate being this way! I want to be the girl who meditates, drinks green juice, and sends “love and light” to her haters. But let’s be honest: some ducks are just born with a bit of a grudge. It’s exhausting being this calculated. I could have learned a second language or mastered a sourdough starter with the brainpower it takes to ensure that if you cross me, your pillows will always be slightly too warm on both sides for the rest of eternity.

By the time I’m truly upset, it’s not impulsive—it’s the result of someone ignoring multiple chances to correct themselves. Healing has taught me that having teeth doesn’t make you a bad person; it means you’re capable of defending yourself. The version of me that’s playful and loving is way more fun, but the other version exists for self-protection.

So, to anyone thinking about starting a little “beef”—maybe just don’t? I’m much better as an ally. I’m the person who will help you hide a body (metaphorically… mostly), but I’m also the person who will make sure you never find a matching sock again if you hurt my feelings. At this stage in my life, I value peace more than being right, but I value self-respect more than keeping connections that require me to shrink.

Let’s just keep things sweet. I’ll keep buying the “least depressed” bananas, and you keep being respectful of my very fragile, very explosive inner peace. I’m not the villain, but I’m also not the one.

Choose wisely.

— Tina