Hey everyone, Tina here. Pull up a chair, grab a beverage of your choice (mine is a very large glass of “why am I like this” with a splash of lime), and let’s talk about the absolute state of my life.
The Viral Reality: Relationship Problems with No Relationship
I saw a meme the other day that hit me harder than my realization that I’ve been wearing my shirt inside out for three hours. It said: “How are you going through relationship problems with no relationship?”
I didn’t just laugh; I felt personally attacked. I felt like the universe had reached into my brain, pulled out my current vibe, and posted it for the world to see. Because honestly? It’s a valid question. On paper, I am single. My “relationship status” on Facebook (if anyone still uses that) would be a void. My bed is a glorious island of pillows where I don’t have to fight for the covers.
And yet… I am exhausted. I am “arguing with a man who doesn’t exist” levels of exhausted.
The Exhaustion of the “Situationship” Grey Zone
We’ve all been there, right? You’re talking to someone. Not dating them, mind you, because labels are “scary” and “restrictive,” but you’re definitely not not talking to them. You’re in that weird, blurry grey zone where you’re basically doing the emotional labor of a wife for the benefits of… a firm handshake and a “u up?” text at 11 PM.
My current “relationship problem” involves a guy I haven’t even seen in person in three weeks. Why am I upset that he liked someone’s photo on Instagram? Why am I analyzing the punctuation in a text that just said “Cool”?
The Anxiety of a 10-Year Marriage (Without the Benefits)
I’m out here having a full-blown existential crisis over a man who probably hasn’t even washed his bedsheets this month. That is a relationship problem! But I don’t have the relationship! I have all the anxiety of a 10-year marriage with none of the tax benefits or someone to take the trash out.
Dealing with “Relationship Problems: Heritage Edition”
Then there’s the “Relationship Problems: Heritage Edition.” This is when you’re single, but you’re still fighting with your ex in your head.
Do you ever just be minding your own business, washing a dish, and suddenly remember something mean your ex said in 2019? Suddenly, I’m standing over the sink, scrubbing a spatula with murderous intent, formulating the perfect comeback that I should have said five years ago.
I’m literally going through a breakup argument by myself in my kitchen. I am the CEO, CFO, and sole employee of my own heartbreak. It’s efficient, sure, but it’s also making me wonder if I need to find a hobby that isn’t “fictional litigation.”
The High Stakes of the Hypothetical Partner
The most relatable part of being single and stressed is the High Stakes of the Hypothetical. I’ll be scrolling through TikTok, see a video of a guy doing something annoying—like leaving the toilet seat up or being “friends” with an ex who is clearly a villain—and I get mad. I’m genuinely annoyed at my future, non-existent partner for things he hasn’t even done yet.
“If he thinks he’s coming into this house and not liking my dog, he’s got another thing coming,” I mutter to my dog, who is currently eating a piece of lint.
I am preemptively defending my honor against a man who is currently, likely, sitting in a different zip code eating cereal out of a Tupperware container. I have relationship drama with a ghost. A phantom. A “To Be Determined.”
Why Our Brains Manufacture Romantic Mess and Drama
I think the truth is that being “single” doesn’t mean your heart or your brain stops caring about connection. We’re social creatures. We’re wired for the drama, the spark, and the mess. So when we don’t have a partner to provide the mess, our brains just… manufacture it. We’re out here DIY-ing our own emotional turmoil.
It’s like my brain is a reality TV producer and it’s worried the ratings are dropping because I’ve spent too many Friday nights watching documentaries about mushrooms. It needs a “Conflict Arc,” even if it has to invent one out of thin air and a slightly delayed reply to a DM.
My 3-Step Plan to Stop the Dating Delusion
So, if you’re like me—single, yet currently going through a “rough patch” with your own imagination—here is my plan:
- Acknowledge the Delusion: The next time I’m mad at “the vibes,” I’m going to remind myself that the vibes cannot pay rent.
- Close the Tabs: My brain has too many tabs open. “Guy from 2nd Grade,” “The Barista who smiled too much,” and “The Tinder match who vanished” all need to be Force Quit.
- Enjoy the Silence: I need to remember that while I don’t have someone to bring me flowers, I also don’t have someone leaving wet towels on the floor. And that, my friends, is a win.
Final Thoughts: Finding Peace in the Single Life
To everyone out there fighting invisible battles in non-existent relationships: I see you. I am you. Let’s all go buy ourselves some chocolate and stop checking the “Active Now” status of people who don’t deserve our battery percentage.
Stay messy (but maybe a little less stressed),
Tina
Don’t just like, love. 🙂