Hey everyone, Tina here. Pull up a chair, grab a beverage of choice (mine is currently a coffee large enough to bathe in), and let’s have a little heart-to-heart about a phenomenon I like to call “The Great Flip.”
I saw this quote today—you know the one, it’s probably floating around your feed right now—and I felt it in my soul. It said: “A narcissist won’t admit they’re wrong. They just flip it on you & play victim.”
Can we just take a collective breath for a second? Because if that isn’t the Olympic sport of the 21st century, I don’t know what is.
We’ve all been there. You go into a conversation feeling totally reasonable. You’ve practiced your “I statements.” You’re calm. You say something like, “Hey, it really hurt my feelings when you forgot my birthday/borrowed my car and left it on empty/accidentally joined a cult.”
And then… the magic happens.
Within thirty seconds, you aren’t talking about the birthday or the empty gas tank anymore. Suddenly, the conversation is about how your tone was aggressive, how you are always bringing up the past, and how their childhood was actually very difficult, which makes your “attack” on them feel like a personal betrayal.
Before you know it, you’re the one apologizing! You’re standing there holding a metaphorical tray of cookies saying, “I’m so sorry I brought up the fact that you set my curtains on fire, please don’t be sad.” It’s a talent, honestly. If there were a Nobel Prize for Reframing Reality, some people in my life would have a mantle full of gold.
The reason we share these quotes—and the reason I’m writing this—is because it makes you feel like you’re losing your mind. It’s called gaslighting, sure, but I prefer to call it “Emotional Parkour.” They are jumping over logic, swinging off the rafters of your empathy, and sticking a landing that somehow makes you the villain of the story.
I used to get so frustrated. I’d try to use logic. Tip from Tina: Logic is a foreign language in the Land of the Flip. Trying to use facts with someone who is determined to be the victim is like trying to explain color to a rock. It’s a lot of effort, and the rock is just going to sit there looking smug.
So, what do we do? How does Tina stay (mostly) sane?
1. Stop providing the audience. A victim performance needs a witness. If I stop trying to “fix” their hurt feelings when I know I didn’t do anything wrong, the show ends a lot faster.
2. The “Okay” Method. When someone flips the script on me now, I’ve started just saying, “Okay.” Not “Okay, you’re right,” but just “Okay.” It’s like a conversational brick wall. There’s nowhere for them to flip to.
3. Laughter. Seriously. Sometimes you just have to step back and realize how absurd it is. When someone tells me that me being upset about them being late is actually an “attack on their freedom,” I have to giggle. It’s high-level fiction!
If you’re reading this and nodding your head because you’re currently being told that your reaction to their bad behavior is the real problem—I see you. You aren’t crazy. Your memory is fine. Your feelings are valid.
We can’t change the “flippers” of the world, but we can definitely stop doing the gymnastics with them. I’m hanging up my leotard and staying on the ground. It’s much more stable down here.
What’s the most “creative” way someone has ever flipped the script on you? Let’s vent (and laugh) in the comments!
Great advice I wish I had many years ago.