Welcome back to Stories from Tina! Grab your coffee (or wine, I don’t judge), because today we need to have a little heart-to-heart about something I’ve finally figured out. It’s been a long road of self-reflection, a few apologies I probably didn’t owe, and a lot of staring at the ceiling at 2 AM, but I’ve cracked the code.
I finally realized what triggers my “toxicity.”
And honestly? It’s not traffic. It’s not waiting in line at the DMV. It’s not even when my WiFi cuts out during the good part of a movie.
It’s disrespect.
Here’s the thing about me—and if you know me, you know this is true—I am generally the chillest person in the room. I can vibe with anybody. Put me in a room with a wall, and I’ll probably make friends with the drywall. I pride myself on being easy to get along with. I’m the fun one, the listener, the one who brings the “peace and love” energy to the group chat.
I am a good woman. I know that to my core. I’m kind, I’m genuine, and I always, always try to lead with love. My default setting is “Soft Tina.”
But… (and there is always a “but,” isn’t there?)
The second I feel disrespect? Oh, baby. The shift is instantaneous. It’s not a slow burn; it’s a light switch.
When disrespect enters the chat, my peace doesn’t just leave the building; it jumps out the window without a parachute. My patience? Gone. Evaporated. That soft, understanding version of me that everyone loves? She packs her bags and leaves, and in her place stands a version of me that is sharp, quick, and decidedly not soft.
I used to feel guilty about this. I’d think, “Tina, why did you snap like that? Why did you go from 0 to 100 so fast?” I’d convince myself that maybe I was the problem, that maybe I was just “too emotional” or “too intense.”
But looking at it now, I realize: It’s never random. It is a reaction.
Here is the science behind the snap (according to Dr. Tina, PhD in Life Lessons): The reason disrespect hits me so deep isn’t because I have a short fuse. It’s actually the opposite. It’s because I have a long fuse that burns underwater for a really, really long time.
I know how much grace I give people. I know how many times I’ve let slide the little digs, the flakiness, or the backhanded compliments. I am practically an Olympic athlete in the sport of Giving People the Benefit of the Doubt.
So, when I finally do lose it? It’s because the account is overdrawn. You have spent all the grace credits I gave you.
When I snap, it’s because the disrespect felt like a betrayal of the transaction. I gave you kindness, understanding, and love. If you give me disrespect in return, the equation breaks. As I said in my notes recently: What you put in is what you get out of me.
It’s a hard pill to swallow, but my “toxicity” (if we want to call it that, though I prefer “aggressive boundary defense”) is just a mirror. If you are getting the sharp, impatient version of me, it’s highly likely that you stopped feeding the kind, patient version of me.
Does this mean I’m perfect? Absolutely not. I’m still learning. I’m learning that maybe I don’t need to “snap” to make a point—maybe I can just walk away. I’m learning that my peace is too expensive to spend on people who can’t afford it.
But I’m also learning to stop apologizing for reacting to disrespect. It’s a survival mechanism. It’s my spirit protecting my heart.
If you relate to this, if you’re also the “nice friend” who occasionally turns into a dragon when pushed too far, cut yourself some slack today. You aren’t crazy, and you aren’t “toxic” for having a limit. You’re just a person who values respect—and there is nothing wrong with demanding the same energy you give out.
So, to everyone in my life: I promise to keep being the chill, fun, loving Tina you know. I’ll keep the vibes high and the judgment low. Just… don’t poke the bear. Because the bear is cute and cuddly, but she has claws for a reason.
Stay kind (but take no nonsense),
Tina