Hey everyone, it’s Tina. Grab a coffee (or something stronger, I don’t judge), because we need to talk about the emotional whiplash that is trying to have a “moment” with your male friends.
You know the feeling. You’ve had a day that was basically a dumpster fire—the kind where you tripped over nothing in front of your crush, your boss sent a passive-aggressive email about a “missed opportunity” (translation: you breathed wrong), and you’re pretty sure your cat is judging your life choices. You just want to sit in the feelings. You want to wallow. You want someone to say, “Wow, Tina, that is objectively garbage and I’m sorry.”
So, you call up one of the guys. Enter: The Solution Squad.
When You Want a Hug, But Get a Spreadsheet
I called my friend Mike last week. I started with, “Mike, I’m just so overwhelmed with this project, I feel like I’m drowning.” I expected: “That sucks, Tina. You’re a Rockstar, you’ll get through it.”
What I got: “Okay, first, let’s look at your calendar. Are you using Trello? I have a spreadsheet template for workload management. Also, have you tried waking up at 5:00 AM to ‘eat the frog’? I’ll send you a link to a $40 ergonomic mouse that increases clicking efficiency by 12%.”
Sir. Please. I don’t want a spreadsheet. I want a hug for my soul.
The Allergy to Open-Ended Sadness
It’s like they have a physical allergy to open-ended sadness. If a problem exists, it must be dismantled like a Lego set.
- Me: “I’m just feeling really lonely today.”
- Them: “Have you tried a hobby? There’s a pickleball league starting on Tuesday. I’ll sign you up. Drink more water.”
I swear, if I told a male friend I was sad because the sky was gray, he’d spend three hours researching the best high-lumen lightbulbs to simulate the sun in my living room and then offer to come over with a drill to install them. It’s sweet, really. It’s their love language. But sometimes, I just want to be sad in the dark!
Understanding the “Fixer” Love Language
The irony is that they are being too helpful. They care so much that they can’t stand to see you in distress, so they try to “fix” the distress so it goes away. To them, venting is like a car making a weird noise—you don’t just sit there and listen to the clunking; you pop the hood and start turning wrenches.
But sometimes, I just want to talk about how annoying the clunking is! I want to describe the pitch of the clunk. I want to speculate on the vibe of the clunk.
Introducing “The Tina Disclaimer” for Better Communication
Since I know they aren’t going to change (bless their logical, solution-oriented hearts), I’ve started using “The Tina Disclaimer.” Before I start a rant, I have to say:
“I am about to vent for ten minutes. I do not want advice. I do not want a PDF. I do not want you to call your cousin who is a lawyer. I just want you to say ‘That’s rough, buddy’ at appropriate intervals.”
It works… mostly. I still see Mike’s eyes twitching because he has a “perfectly good solution” screaming in the back of his brain, but he holds it in. Usually.
Let’s Sit in the Dumpster Fire Together
To all my male friends: I love you. I really do. Your spreadsheets are impressive and your desire to save me from my own life is touching. But just for today? Put the wrench down. Let’s just sit in the dumpster fire together for a minute.
Have you guys experienced this? Or are you the “Fixer” in your friend group? Let me know in the comments before Mike sends me another productivity app link.
Interesting. Picture me as the old guy down the hall. I am personable and have been through the wringer many times . Nothing surprises me most of the time. My wife does always see life the same way I do though we’ve disagree on a range of topics we rarely argue. She has her perspective because she sees with her own eyes not mine.
By the way that’s really decent artwork you have .