Hey everyone, it’s Tina.
I recently stumbled across a quote that hit me like a double-shot of espresso on a Monday morning. It said: “I’m not intimidating, I’m self-assured. I’m not mean, I’m direct. I speak truth without shrinking.” I nearly dropped my phone. I wanted to print it out, frame it, and carry it around like a shield for every time I’ve been told I have “too much energy” or that I need to “soften the blow.”
Let’s be real for a second: Have you ever been in a meeting, or even just a group chat with friends, and you say exactly what everyone else is thinking, only to have the room go silent? Suddenly, you’re the “intimidating” one. Meanwhile, you’re just sitting there wondering if you should have ordered the Caesar salad instead of the wrap.
The Social Phenomenon of Over-Softening
There is this weird social phenomenon where being clear is mistaken for having an “attitude.” It’s like there’s an unwritten rule that says we have to wrap every sentence in three layers of bubble wrap and a “hope you’re having a sparkling day!” just to tell someone they missed a deadline or that their shoes don’t match their outfit.
I’ve spent a lot of my life trying to “shrink.” You know the vibe—tilting your head, using “just” in every sentence (“I just think maybe…”), and laughing nervously to make sure everyone knows you’re “nice.”
When Your Presence Highlights Their Discomfort
But here’s the thing I’ve learned: My presence isn’t the problem; it’s the comfort level of the person across from me.
When you move with confidence and stop apologizing for taking up space, it acts like a giant, glowing neon sign that exposes other people’s insecurities. It’s not that I’m trying to be the “Alpha” in the room—I’m just not interested in playing the “I’m Smaller Than You” game anymore.
It’s actually kind of funny when you think about it. People will spend thousands of dollars on “How to Be a Leader” seminars, but the moment they meet a woman who speaks her mind without a preamble, they’re suddenly checking the exits.
Clarity vs. Attitude
I speak truth without shrinking. People mistake clarity for attitude when they aren’t used to authenticity.
If I’m being honest, I think some people are just used to the “diet” version of human interaction. They want the sugar-coated, low-calorie version of the truth. When you give them the full-strength, raw-sugar reality, it’s a bit of a system shock.
Why I’m Done Dimming My Light
I’ve decided that if my confidence makes someone else uncomfortable, that is a “them” problem, not a “Tina” problem. I’m not being mean. I’m not being a “diva.” I’m just being direct.
I’ve realized that the people who find me “intimidating” are usually the ones who are struggling to find their own voice. And while I have all the empathy in the world for that struggle, I can’t fix their insecurity by dimming my own light. That doesn’t help them; it just leaves us both in the dark.
A Promise to Stop Shrinking
So, here is my promise to myself (and a nudge to you):
- I will say “No” without a paragraph of excuses.
- I will accept a compliment without saying “Oh, this old thing? It was $5.”
- I will state my opinion without starting with “I might be wrong, but…”
Embracing Being “Too Much”
Have you ever been told you’re “a lot” or “intimidating” just because you knew what you wanted and weren’t afraid to ask for it? I want to hear your stories. Let’s stop apologizing for being certain.
Because at the end of the day, I’d rather be “too much” for the wrong people than “not enough” for myself.
Stay bold, stay loud, and for heaven’s sake, stop shrinking.
My God, thank you for this. You just shed light on something I ponder a lot. My conditioning stems from years of being in the military where you don’t talk back, period. You play small so others can have the floor; it’s just the nature of power. I definitely have grown bolder the older I’ve gotten, and the less I care to impress others and make improving my goal, not comparing. This means, speak, with discipline. Speak, with righteousness, because in truth, people aren’t ready to hear it. And I find that we just waste our energy if we’re not diligent. We have to know the right time, without that people become egotistical and powerful for the sake of power itself. That causes problems, especially in organizations and speaking as a leader, I want my employees to be bold, but I also want them to be disciplined, knowing when to speak, and when to remain silent. When to just do what they’re told. It’s a gift we all must learn when we don’t care about being seen, we are seen. We are loved. We are disciplined.
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I am the same way. I speak the truth, and unfortunately, most people don’t want to hear it. You’re right. They only want the sugar-coated version. I even had a friend ( kind of an ex-friend at this point) tell me that in so many words one time.
It is so tough when speaking your truth costs a friendship, but it really shows you who is meant to be in your life. I completely relate to the ‘sugar-coated’ expectation. Thank you so much for reading and sharing your experience!
Of course. 🙂