Hey everyone, Tina here. Pull up a chair, grab a coffee (or something stronger, no judgment), and let’s talk about a very specific, very frustrating brand of relationship gymnastics.
I saw a quote today that hit me like a cold splash of water: “I finally understood that when a person doesn’t want you anymore, they will repeat the same things which you don’t like and hurt you until you leave them.”
Ouch. My ego felt that one.
The Broken Record of Emotional Bruises
Have you ever been in a relationship where you felt like you were dating a broken record? I’m not talking about the “can you please put your socks in the hamper” kind of repetition. I’m talking about the “I know exactly where your emotional bruises are, and I am going to poke them every single day” kind.
For the longest time, I used to think, “Maybe they just don’t get it. If I explain my feelings one more time—perhaps with a PowerPoint presentation and a colorful infographic—they’ll finally understand that [Action X] makes me feel like garbage.”
They understood the first time.
The Coward’s Way Out
It took me an embarrassingly long time to realize that some people are too cowardly to be the “bad guy.” They don’t want the guilt of ending things, so they decide to make the environment so toxic, so irritating, and so soul-crushing that you eventually have to be the one to pack the bags. It’s the relationship equivalent of someone making the house so cold you’re forced to move out just to stop shivering.
The “Subtle Sabotage Phase”
The worst part of this phase—let’s call it the “Subtle Sabotage Phase”—is the gaslighting you do to yourself. You start thinking:
• “Maybe I’m being too sensitive.” • “They’re just stressed at work.” • “If I just try harder to be the ‘cool partner,’ they’ll stop being so hurtful.”
I’ve been there. I once spent three months pretending I didn’t mind being ignored at parties and “forgotten” for dinner plans because I was convinced I could “win” back the version of them I liked. Meanwhile, they were just over there, consistently doing the exact three things I’d told them made me cry, probably wondering why I hadn’t taken the hint yet.
The Haunted House Mentality
It’s a special kind of humor, looking back. I was basically a character in a horror movie staying in the haunted house because the rent was cheap, while the ghosts were literally throwing plates at my head.
When Your Pain Becomes a Strategy
The “click” happens when you realize that their “forgetfulness” or “mistakes” are actually a strategy.
When someone loves you, your pain is a deterrent. If they know something hurts you, they actively try to avoid it. But when someone is trying to push you out the door? Your pain becomes a tool. They use it to test your limits. They want you to get angry. They want you to blow up. Because the second you finally snap and say, “I’m done!”, they get to put their hands up and say, “Well, if that’s what you want… I guess we’re over.”
They get the breakup they wanted, and you get the “blame” for being the one who walked away. It’s genius in the most evil way possible.
Stop Fighting for a Seat at the Table
So, what did Tina do? Eventually, I stopped trying to fix the unfixable. I realized that if I have to beg someone to treat me with basic human decency, I’ve already lost.
If you’re reading this and you feel like you’re being “pushed” out of your own relationship, here is my unsolicited (but very relatable) advice: Let them push.
Stop fighting for a seat at a table where they’re trying to pull the chair out from under you. If they are repeating the behaviors that hurt you specifically to make you leave, do them—and more importantly, yourself—a favor: Leave. Don’t wait for them to become a better person. They aren’t “failing” to be good; they are succeeding at being bad so you’ll handle the paperwork.
Trusting Your Gut
Life is too short to spend it with someone who treats your heart like a stress ball. I’d rather be single, eating pizza over the sink and watching 90-day fiancé, than be with someone who is actively auditioning for the role of “The Person Who Drove Tina Insane.”
Trust your gut. If it feels like they’re trying to make you leave, they probably are. Give them exactly what they want, and find someone who would rather cut off a toe than hurt you twice.
Have you ever stayed too long waiting for someone to “get it”? Tell me your “I finally took the hint” stories in the comments—I need to know I’m not the only one who missed the memo!
I was in a relationship like that once many years ago. The lady in question just seemed to be avoiding me, so, I stopped trying to get in touch. There was no formal break up, we just stopped contacting each other.