Hey y’all, it’s Tina. Grab a drink, sit down, and let’s have a real “sister-to-sister” moment, because I am currently staring at my phone in a state of pure, unadulterated disbelief.
You know that feeling when you meet someone and they seem… fine? They’ve got the aesthetic down. The Instagram feed looks curated. They’re wearing a decent cologne. They might even have a job title that sounds like they actually do something during the hours of 9 to 5. But then, two weeks in, you start noticing the “glitches in the Matrix.”
I’ve come to a very important realization lately: We are being too polite.
In this day and age, where everyone is a “brand” and “hustle culture” has turned lying into a competitive sport, we have to stop beating around the bush. We need to look these men dead in the eye—before the first date, before the first “Good Morning” text, and definitely before we let them into our homes—and ask one simple, terrifyingly honest question:
“Be honest… are you a bum?”
Now, before you call me harsh, let’s define the “Modern-Day Bum.” This isn’t just about money. We’ve all been broke before; life happens. A “bum” isn’t a financial status—it’s a personality trait. A bum is someone with:
• High-Level Expectations but Low-Level Effort: They want a “queen,” but they’re giving “jester” energy.
• The “Future” Flex: They talk exclusively in the future tense. “I’m gonna do this,” “I’m about to start that.” Meanwhile, in the present tense, they are currently eating your leftovers and using your Netflix password.
• Selective Ambition: They have enough energy to argue about sports for four hours or reach Level 100 in a video game, but they “just can’t find the time” to update a resume or fix that leaky faucet they promised to look at.
I’ll be the first to admit it: I’ve been there. I call it “Potential-Induced Blindness.” We see a man who could be great if he just had a little push. If he just got that one break. If he just had a woman like me to support him.
Ladies, let me tell you something I learned the hard way: You are a partner, not a career coach. You are a girlfriend, not a non-profit organization for wayward souls.
I remember this one guy—let’s call him “Project Pat.” Pat had dreams. Big ones. He was going to be the next big music mogul. I spent three months “investing” in his vision (which mostly involved me buying him Chipotle and letting him use my car to go to the “studio”). One day I realized the “studio” was just his cousin’s basement and he hadn’t recorded a single note in three weeks.
I looked at him and thought, Tina, you didn’t ask the question. I assumed because he had a car (it was his mom’s) and a vision (it was a hallucination), he was on his way.
Dating in today’s world has officially become a full-time investigative job. And I don’t mean casually getting to know someone—I mean background checks, pattern recognition, and red-flag radar on high alert. Because assumptions will cost you time, energy, and peace. And baby, time is the one thing I’m no longer donating.
That era of Tina? The one who believed “they’re trying” counted as progress? She’s retired.
Now I ask questions early. Not because I’m harsh, but because I’m honest. I’m talking about skipping the “What’s your favorite color?” small talk and getting straight to the Bum Audit. I’m not saying you should be mean, but you should be precise:
• Don’t ask: “What do you do for fun?”
Ask: “When you aren’t on social media, what are you actually contributing to the world?”
• Don’t ask: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Ask: “Do you have a savings account, or is your financial plan based on ‘manifesting’ and ‘vibes’?”
• The Flat-Out Closer: “Are you bringing something to the table, or are you just here to eat?”
It sounds aggressive, I know. But here’s the thing nobody likes to admit: Clarity scares people who are unsure of themselves. When you ask direct questions, you remove the space for pretending. You expose whether someone is intentional or just winging it and hoping for the best.
And listen—there’s nothing wrong with being in a rebuilding phase. There is something wrong with dragging someone into your chaos without being upfront about it. I don’t need perfection, but I do need honesty, effort, and accountability.
A man who isn’t a bum will find it hilarious or impressive that you have standards. He won’t get offended; he’ll respect a grown conversation. A man who is a bum? He’s going to get defensive. He’s going to call you “shallow,” “difficult,” or “stuck up.” That’s your signal to run like you’re in the Olympics.
We have to stop being afraid of the truth. We spend so much time trying to be the “cool girl” who doesn’t care about status or stability that we end up being the “tired girl” who’s paying for everything and wondering why her energy is drained.
The “Bum Audit” is about self-preservation. It’s about making sure your energy is being matched. Because at the end of the day, I’d rather be single and eating my own snacks than in a relationship wondering why I’m the only one with a functioning debit card.
If you’re reading this and you’ve ever felt guilty for wanting clarity, consistency, or effort—let me free you real quick: You’re not asking for too much; you’re just asking the wrong people.
The ones meant for you won’t feel attacked by your standards; they’ll feel challenged in a good way. And the ones who disappear? They were never equipped anyway.
Stay vigilant, stay spicy, and please—ask the question.
Until next time,
Tina 💋