Hey everyone, Tina here. Pull up a chair, grab a beverage of choice (mine is currently a coffee so strong it could probably jump-start a car), and let’s have a little heart-to-heart.
The Reality of Emotional Invalidation
I had a realization today. It hit me like a wet towel—sudden, slightly cold, and impossible to ignore. I’ve realized that I simply cannot be at peace with anyone who makes a hobby out of invalidating my feelings.
Now, before you think I’m becoming some sort of fragile princess who needs a red carpet rolled out every time I have a “mood,” let’s clear the air. I’m not asking for someone to kiss my ass to satisfy my ego. Honestly? My ego is already doing a decent enough job of that on its own, thank you very much. I don’t need a cheerleader; I need a human being who understands the basic mechanics of respect.
The Toxic Playbook: When Logic Weaponizes Feelings
We’ve all been there, right? You’re pouring your heart out about something that hurt you, and the person across from you looks at you like you’re explaining quantum physics in Pig Latin. They start with the dreaded phrases: • “Well, if you just look at it logically…” • “I think you’re overreacting.” • “That’s not what happened, you’re remembering it wrong.”
Why Feelings Don’t Need to Be Logical
Pause. 🛑
When did we decide that feelings had to be “logical” to be real? If feelings were logical, I wouldn’t cry at Thai food commercials or get irrationally angry when I drop a piece of toast. Feelings are messy. They’re weird. They don’t always make sense on a spreadsheet.
But here is the kicker: You don’t have to understand my feelings to respect them.
The Two Types of People in This World
I’ve noticed there are two types of people in this world.
- Person A: Accidentally steps on your toe, sees you’re in pain, and says, “Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry! Are you okay?”
- Person B: Steps on your toe, looks at your foot, and says, “Well, you shouldn’t have put your foot there. Also, I didn’t step that hard, so it shouldn’t actually hurt.”
Don’t be Person B. Please. For the love of all things holy, do not be Person B.
Why an Apology is Better Than a Debate
If I tell you that something you said or did offended me, I’m not looking for a debate. I’m not putting you on trial for your life. I’m simply saying, “Hey, this hurt.” A simple, “I didn’t realize that would hurt you, I’m sorry,” goes further than a ten-minute PowerPoint presentation on why I shouldn’t feel the way I do.
The image I’ve been sitting with lately is that a relationship—whether it’s a friendship, a partner, or even a coworker—is like a plant. If you keep pouring salt on the soil (the salt being invalidation), that plant is going to shrivel up faster than my motivation to go to the gym on a Monday.
We won’t thrive. We might “exist.” We might “tolerate” each other. But we won’t thrive. And honestly? Life is too short to spend it in a defensive crouch, waiting for someone to tell me that my internal reality is “incorrect.”
Opting for Mutual Respect and Protecting My Peace
So, here’s my new vibe: I’m opting for Mutual Respect. It’s a wild concept, I know! It’s this crazy thing where if I hurt you, I apologize—even if I don’t “get” why you’re upset. Because I value you more than I value being right.
I’m looking for the people who can say, “I don’t totally see it the way you do, but I hate that you’re feeling down. Let’s fix it.” Those are my people. Those are the people who get the good snacks when they come over.
If you’re reading this and thinking, “Oof, I might be a toe-stepper,” don’t worry. We’ve all been there. Just put the salt down and pick up the watering can. It’s much quieter over here on the “Peaceful” side of things.