I’m Not Crying, You’re Crying

Hey everyone, it’s Tina. Pull up a chair, grab a beverage (preferably something strong or caffeinated), and let’s talk about a very specific type of magic trick.

You know the one. It’s not pulling a rabbit out of a hat. It’s much more impressive: it’s the ability to take a situation where they clearly messed up and, within three minutes of dialogue, somehow make it your fault.

I recently saw a quote that hit me like a ton of bricks—mostly because I’ve lived it. It said: “A narcissist won’t admit they’re wrong. They just flip it on you & play victim.”

Cue the dramatic gasp. If that isn’t the theme song of my past relationship, I don’t know what is.

The Classic Deflection: A Tina’s Life Example

Let me give you a classic “Tina’s Life” example. One time, I found out my ex had “accidentally” spent our rent money on a vintage synthesizer he “needed” for his hobby. When I confronted him—calmly, I might add—did he say, “Gosh, Tina, I’m sorry, I have a spending problem”?

Of course not. Within five minutes, the conversation shifted to:

1. How I am “financially controlling.”
2. How I don’t support his “artistic dreams.”
3. How he feels “suffocated” by my expectations of, you know, having a roof over our heads.

By the end of the night, I was the one apologizing for being “too intense” about the bills while he sat on the sofa with a single tear rolling down his cheek, looking like a discarded Victorian orphan. I’m standing there with a calculator and a headache, thinking, Wait… how am I the villain here?

The DARVO Technique Explained

It’s like they all went to the same secret summer camp where they learned the DARVO technique (Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender). It’s a literal sport to them.

• Step 1: The “I Never Said That.” Gaslighting is the appetizer. Even if you have the text message, the video footage, and a signed affidavit, they will look you in the eye and say you’re “remembering it wrong.” • Step 2: The Deflection. You bring up their behavior, and they bring up something you did in 2014. “Oh, you’re mad I’m late? Well, remember that time you forgot to buy milk? See? We’re both human, Tina. Why are you attacking me?” • Step 3: The Performance. This is the grand finale. The moment they realize they can’t logic their way out, they become the victim. They’re “exhausted” by your “negativity.” They “can’t do anything right” in your eyes. Suddenly, you’re the big, bad bully picking on a poor, innocent soul who just happens to lie/cheat/spend the rent money.

Weaponizing Empathy Against You

If you’re reading this and nodding your head so hard you’re getting whiplash, I see you. We fall for it because we have this pesky little thing called empathy. When we see someone we love looking hurt or “victimized,” our natural instinct is to fix it.

The narcissist uses your kindness as a weapon against you. They know that if they play the victim well enough, you’ll stop asking for accountability and start offering comfort. It’s a brilliant, albeit soul-crushing, strategy.

Refusing to Attend Every Argument

After years of being the “bad guy” in someone else’s distorted fairy tale, I finally realized something: You don’t have to attend every argument you’re invited to.

When they start the “Flip,” you don’t have to follow. You can just say, “I see that you’re upset, but we’re talking about your actions right now. If you can’t discuss that, I’m walking away.” (And then actually walk away. Go get a taco. Tacos never play the victim.)

Living with a “flipper” is exhausting. It’s like trying to hold a conversation with a hall of mirrors. But once you see the trick, the magic disappears. You realize it’s not you—it’s the script they’re reading from.

Have you guys ever dealt with a “Professional Victim”? Tell me your most “Wait, how is this my fault?” story in the comments. Let’s laugh so we don’t cry!

Stay sane out there,

Tina