A Survival Guide to Loving (and Loathing) Me

Pull up a chair, grab a snack, and maybe a helmet—because we need to talk.

If you’ve spent more than five minutes in my orbit, you know that “knowing Tina” isn’t just a casual social interaction. It’s a full-contact sport. It’s an emotional marathon through a field of glitter and landmines. I am fully aware that I am a lot. I’m the human equivalent of an espresso shot taken at 11:00 PM: initially a great idea, but now your heart is racing, you’re slightly confused, and you’re probably not going to sleep tonight.

I was thinking about my “vibe” the other day, and I realized that dealing with me is like a Choose Your Own Adventure book, except all the endings are a little bit chaotic. After dealing with me, you usually end up in one of six very specific emotional states. There is no middle ground.

The Six Stages of Tina-Induced Stress

• 1. The “I’m Going to Miss Her” Phase: This usually happens right after I leave a room. You finally have peace and quiet. But then… it’s too quiet. You miss the chaos. I’m like that one loud bird outside your window—annoying at 6:00 AM, but if it stops chirping, you wonder if the world is ending.
• 2. The “I Seriously Want to Fight Her” Urge: I have a PhD in pushing buttons I didn’t even know you had. If you’ve ever looked at me and felt your eye twitch, congratulations, you’ve had the authentic Tina Experience.

The Danger Zones

• 3. The “I Want to Punch Her in the Face” Moment: This is the visceral, “If she says ‘actually’ one more time, it’s over” feeling. Maybe I spilled my drink on your new rug while gesturing wildly. I am a walking hazard. If you’ve ever had to take a deep breath and count to ten while looking at my smiling face… I appreciate your restraint.
• 4. The “I Might Just Run Her Over” Level: This is reserved for when I’m being a “backseat driver” in your life. “You’re taking this exit? Really? Brave choice.” I see the vein in your forehead. I know I’m one comment away from being left on the side of the interstate.

The Delicate Balance

• 5. The “I Hate Her for Life” Club: Some people just can’t handle the flavor. If you hate me forever, I respect the commitment. At least I left an impression, right? Better to be hated for being me than ignored for being boring.
• 6. The “I Hate Her Because I Miss Her But I Can’t Stand Her Ass”: This is where most of my favorite people live. You miss the laughs, but you absolutely do not miss the headache. You want to text me, but you also want to block me. It’s a delicate balance.

The “Self-Aware” Apology

Now, because I’ve been told I need to be “self-aware,” I figured I’d throw in a little apology.

I am genuinely sorry for the things I said when I was hungry, or bored, or when I was right and you were wrong (which, let’s be honest, is usually the case). I’m sorry for being the reason you have to vent to your therapist for twenty minutes of your hour-long session.

I apologize for:

• My volume (I don’t have a “middle” setting; it’s either Mute or Megaphone).
• The fact that I will definitely do that one thing again that I promised I’d stop doing.
• Sending you 14 TikToks in a row and then getting mad when you don’t reply to the third one specifically.

A Mess of Contradictions

But mostly, I’m sorry that you love me anyway. It must be exhausting for you. It’s exhausting for me too! But look on the bright side: at least your life is interesting. Without me, you’d just be sitting there with stable blood pressure and a calm mind. How boring does that sound?

I know I’m a handful. I’m a mess of contradictions wrapped in a “good vibes only” t-shirt that I probably haven’t washed in three days. I will make you laugh until you cry, and then I will make you want to scream into a pillow.

So, which one are you today? Are we fighting, or are we grabbing mimosas? (Actually, don’t answer that—let’s just get the mimosas and fight later).