Why I’m the Worst Person to Keep a Secret From

Grab a coffee (or something stronger, I don’t judge), because we need to have a little heart-to-heart.

I’ve been thinking lately about the roles we play in each other’s lives. You know, the “work friend,” the “Sunday brunch friend,” and the “emergency contact friend.” But then there’s me. I’m Tina. And if you’ve known me for more than five minutes, you’ve probably realized that I occupy a very specific, slightly chaotic, but fiercely loyal category.

A Public Service Announcement

Here is a public service announcement for anyone currently in my orbit: I am officially the wrong person to lie to.

1. My “Lie Detector” is Hyper-Active

It’s not that I’m a psychic (though my intuition is scarily on point). It’s just that when you’ve seen it all, you start to recognize the “tells.” The way your voice goes up half an octave, or how you suddenly find your shoes fascinating when I ask how you’re actually doing.

Hiding a Giraffe Behind a Lamp Post

Lying to me is like trying to hide a giraffe behind a lamp post. I see it. I know it. And honestly? It’s just exhausting for both of us. Why put yourself through the mental gymnastics of a cover story when you could just tell me the messy, unfiltered truth? I promise, whatever “disaster” you’re hiding is probably something I’ve already navigated with a smile and a snack in hand.

2. The Vault is Open (But Highly Secure)

People have this weird habit of keeping secrets from me because they think they’re “protecting” me or they’re embarrassed. Please. I’ve survived bad haircuts, worse exes, and 2020—you think your secret is going to shock me?

The Wrench and the Emotional Waterproof Tape

When you keep things from me, you’re just denying yourself a teammate. I’m the person who will help you bury the body (metaphorically… mostly) and then help you pick out an alibi that actually makes sense. Keeping secrets from me is like trying to fix a leaky pipe while locking the plumber out of the house. Just let me in! I’ve got the wrench and the emotional waterproof tape.

3. Don’t Get “Weird” on Me

We’ve all done it. We feel awkward, so we start acting like a stranger. We stop texting, we get formal, or we give those one-word “I’m fine” answers that are the universal signal for “I am definitely not fine.”

If you start acting different toward me, I’m going to notice immediately. And I’m probably going to call you out on it with a meme or a very pointed look. You don’t have to be “on” with me. You can be weird, you can be sad, you can be a total disaster—just don’t be fake.

The Core of It All: I Show Up

Here is the core of it all, and the reason I’m writing this long-winded manifesto: I am the one who shows up.

• When the room is empty: I’m the person who is going to be there for you when everyone else has checked out. When the “fair-weather friends” have scattered because things got a little too real or a little too heavy, I’m the one pulling up a chair and asking what’s for dinner.
• When the room is full: I’m also there when things are great. I’m not just a “crisis friend.” I’m the one cheering the loudest in the front row when you’re winning, even when you have plenty of other people to celebrate with. I don’t need to be the only person in your life, but I am the most consistent one.

Embracing the High-Def Version of Life

Life is too short for “fine” and “maybe” and “I didn’t want to bother you.” Bother me! Tell me the secret. Admit you messed up. Be the weirdest version of yourself.

I’m Tina. I’m here for the high-def version of your life—the 4K, unedited, behind-the-scenes footage. So, stop the acting, drop the secrets, and let’s just be real. It’s much less work, and the company is way better.