Pull up a chair, and maybe get a little comfortable, because I’m about to get more “real” than usual.
We all have a past. Some people have a past that looks like a curated Instagram feed—maybe a few bad haircuts and a questionable fashion choice in 2012. But then there are those of us who have a past that looks more like a battlefield. My past? It’s a collection of stories that still make my heart race if I think about them too long.
I’ve been doing a lot of soul-searching lately, looking at the woman I am today versus the girl I used to be. And if I’m being brutally honest with myself (and with you), I have to admit: I did plenty of things in my past that I shouldn’t have. Things that didn’t just hurt my reputation, but things that I feel lowered my value and my self-respect. I let my own morals slip through my fingers like sand because I was just trying to keep my head above water.
The Heavy Cost of Survival Mode Trauma
And the truth is? I owe myself so much, I swear.
When people see me now, they see “Tina.” They see someone who is sensitive, maybe a little defensive, someone who values loyalty above all else. But they don’t always see the “why” behind it.
I haven’t just had “rough patches.” I’ve been homeless. I’ve spent nights wondering where my next meal was coming from while I was literally carrying a life inside of me. When you are homeless and pregnant, the world doesn’t look like a playground; it looks like a threat.
Making Hard Choices When You’re Pregnant and Homeless
When you’re in that kind of survival mode, you don’t always make “high-value” decisions. You make “I-need-to-make-it-to-tomorrow” decisions.
• You stay with people who treat you like garbage because you’re terrified of being alone on the street. • You let people talk to you in ways that would make your current self want to throw hands. • You compromise on your morals because, when your stomach is empty and your heart is heavy, “doing the right thing” feels like a luxury you can’t afford.
Rebuilding Self-Respect After Compromising Your Values
I look back at that version of me, and I feel a mix of pity and frustration. I let people dim my light. I let myself become a version of Tina that I didn’t even recognize—all just to survive.
I feel like for years, I was just making withdrawals from my self-respect bank account without ever making a deposit. I gave my energy to people who were only there to drain me. I accepted “love” that was actually just breadcrumbs. I behaved in ways that made me feel small, cheap, and disposable.
There’s a specific kind of pain that comes with realizing you’ve been your own worst enemy. It’s not just about what they did to me—it’s about what I allowed. It’s about the times I didn’t stand up for myself because I didn’t think I was worth standing up for.
Every time I stayed in a situation that felt wrong, every time I ignored my gut feeling to keep someone else happy, I was lowering my own value in my own eyes. I was telling myself, “Tina, you aren’t worth the good stuff. You’re lucky to even have the scraps.”
The Turning Point in My Healing Journey
But here is the turning point. I am grown enough now to look at that debt and say, “The bill is due.”
I owe myself a massive apology. I owe the girl in the shelter, the one who was scared and pregnant and alone, a life that reflects how incredibly strong she actually was. I owe myself the respect I didn’t give her back then.
My Personal Repayment Plan: Setting Emotional Boundaries
This is what my “Repayment Plan” looks like:
- Strict Boundaries: If I feel even a hint of that old disrespect, I’m out. I’m not “nice” enough to let someone walk on me anymore. My kindness is a gift, not a doormat.
- Raising the Price: If you want to be in my life, the “cost of entry” is consistency and loyalty. I’ve lived through the worst; I’m not settling for “average” ever again.
- Forgiving the Mess: I have to stop punishing the Tina of ten years ago for not knowing what the Tina of today knows. She did what she had to do so I could be here to write this.
Forgiving Your Past Self for Surviving
I know there are people reading this who have their own “shelter” moments. Maybe it wasn’t literal homelessness, but maybe you were emotionally homeless. Maybe you stayed in a relationship that stripped you of your dignity. Maybe you did things you’re ashamed of just to feel wanted for five minutes.
I’m here to tell you: You can’t change the past, but you can refuse to let it set the price tag for your future. I might be “the hardest to love” sometimes because I’m still paying back that debt. I’m over-protective of my peace. I’m sensitive to the slightest shift in energy. I shut down when I feel a “withdrawal” coming on. But it’s only because I finally realize what I’m worth.
I’ve been through “so much and more.” I’ve seen the bottom of the barrel, and I’ve crawled my way out. So if I’m a little “much” sometimes, if I’m a little too loud about my loyalty or a little too quiet when I’m hurt—just know it’s because I am finally, finally taking care of me.
I owe myself the world. And I’m not stopping until the debt is paid in full.