Grab a glass of wine (or a very large coffee, depending on your current level of eye-rolling), because we need to talk.

We’ve all been there. You’re standing in the kitchen, or staring at a blue text bubble, waiting for that magical moment of accountability. You just want a simple, human acknowledgment of a mistake. But instead, what do you get? You get a “Men’s Apology.”

You know the ones. They aren’t actually apologies; they’re linguistic gymnastics designed to make you feel like you’re the one who should be saying sorry by the end of it. Honestly, if “Deflecting the Blame” were an Olympic event, some of the guys I’ve known would be draped in gold medals.

1. The “I’m Sorry You Feel That Way” (The Classic)

This is the holy grail of bad apologies. It’s the “I’m not actually sorry for what I did, I’m just sorry you’re being so sensitive” move.

When a guy says this, he’s basically saying, “I am a perfect being who did nothing wrong, but I acknowledge that your brain is currently malfunctioning and producing ‘feelings.’ Please fix your brain so we can watch Netflix.” It’s the ultimate gaslight wrapped in a polite bow. It places the burden of the conflict entirely on your reaction, rather than his action.

2. The “I’m Sorry, BUT…”

The “But” is the eraser of the apology world. Everything said before the “but” is immediately deleted.

• “I’m sorry I forgot our anniversary, BUT work was really crazy.”

• “I’m sorry I didn’t text back for twelve hours, BUT my phone was in the other room and I was playing Call of Duty and also the moon was in the wrong phase of alignment.”

If you have to justify why you did the thing, you aren’t apologizing for the thing. You’re just explaining why you think you were right to do it.

3. The “Fine! I’m Sorry! Happy Now?”

Ah, the aggressive apology. This one usually happens when they’ve realized they can’t win the argument with logic, so they decide to win by being the most annoyed person in the room.

It’s delivered with the same tone a toddler uses when forced to share a toy. It’s loud, it’s angry, and it’s usually followed by a heavy sigh and a dramatic exit from the room. No, Dave, I am not “happy now,” because now I’m not just mad about the original thing—I’m mad that I’m dating a 32-year-old in a temporary state of emotional puberty.

4. The “I’m Just a Piece of Garbage” (The Pity Party)

This is the most exhausting one. This is when he turns his mistake into a Greek tragedy about his own failures.

• Me: “Hey, it hurt my feelings when you ignored me at the party.”

• Him: “I know. I’m the worst. I don’t know why you even stay with me. I ruin everything. I’m just a failure of a human being.”

Now, instead of him making amends, I’m spending the next forty minutes convincing him that he isn’t a monster and that he’s actually a “good person.” Suddenly, I’m the one doing the emotional labor. It’s a genius tactical move, really. Infuriating, but genius.

5. The “Ghost Apology” (The Silent Treatment)

This is the apology that literally never happens. Instead of saying “I’m sorry,” he just disappears for three days and then reappears with a meme or a text that says, “Hey, what are you doing?”

He’s hoping that the passage of time has acted as a natural eraser for his bad behavior. He thinks if he acts normal enough, you’ll feel like the “crazy one” for bringing up something that happened all the way back on Tuesday. It’s the “If I don’t acknowledge the fire, maybe the house isn’t actually burning” technique. Spoiler alert: The house is a pile of ash, and I’m still holding the matches, Brian.

6. The “Gift-Wrapped Diversion”

I call this one the “Flower Power” move. This is when he knows he messed up—big time—but the words “I am sorry” are physically stuck in his throat like a dry piece of overcooked chicken.

Instead, he shows up with your favorite takeout, or a random piece of jewelry, or does the dishes without being asked. Now, don’t get me wrong, I love a clean kitchen. But a shiny necklace is not a substitute for a conversation about why you were disrespectful to my mother. You can’t buy your way out of accountability. It’s an apology for people who want to skip the “talking about feelings” part and go straight to the “everything is fine now” part.

7. The “I Already Said It” (The Efficiency Expert)

This happens when you try to explain why you’re still hurt, and he shuts you down with: “I already said I was sorry, what else do you want from me? A kidney?”

Usually, his “sorry” was a mumbled word he said while looking at his phone three hours ago. To him, an apology is a checkbox. He checked it. Why are you still talking? He doesn’t realize that an apology is the start of a healing process, not the finish line. It’s like he thinks “I’m sorry” is a magic spell that should instantly reset my emotions back to factory settings. Sorry, babe, I’m a human, not an iPhone.

8. The “Historical Revisionist”

This is a personal favorite. This is when he apologizes for something completely different than what you’re actually mad about to make himself look better.

• Me: “I’m upset that you lied about where you were last night.”

• Him: “I am so sorry that I’m such a hard worker and I was so tired that I got confused about the timeline.”

Wait, what? Now he’s a “hard worker”? When did this become a performance review? He’s rewriting the narrative so the “mistake” is actually a byproduct of one of his many virtues. It’s a humble-brag disguised as a confession.

I’ve spent a lot of time (probably too much) wondering why a genuine “I messed up, I see why that hurt you, and I’ll try not to do it again” is as rare as a functioning printer.

I think for a lot of guys, an apology feels like an admission of defeat. Like if they admit they were 10% wrong, they’ve lost the entire “war.” But relationships aren’t wars! We’re on the same team! If I tell you the milk is expired, I’m not attacking your character; I’m just trying to keep us from getting food poisoning.

If you’re reading this and you’ve ever uttered the phrase “I’m sorry if you were offended,” let me help you out. A real apology has three parts:

1. The “I did it”: Own the action.

2. The “It sucked”: Acknowledge the impact on the other person.

3. The “Next time”: How you’ll fix it.

No “buts,” no “ifs,” and definitely no “you’re crazy.”

To all my ladies out there nodding your heads—I see you. We’ve all received that text that made us want to hurl our phones into the nearest body of water. Just remember: you aren’t “too sensitive,” you just have a standard for basic human accountability.

And to the guys? We don’t want a poem. We don’t want a grand gesture. We just want you to say you’re sorry and actually mean it. Without the gymnastics.